By Nancy Hurley, Managing Director, Old Millbrook School EarlyON Child and Family Centre
September marks the return to school for many children. For some children, it marks the very start of their school experience.
This is a very big step away from their parents, caregivers, Child Care Centres or other people and activities that have filled a child’s time until the calendar year when they turn four years old.
This is a big transition and it can bring with it, very big emotions for your child. It is up to us to lend them our soft eyes, calm, patience and compassion to help them process the feelings they are having.
It is often with the best of intentions that we start preparing children for school with declarations such as, “school is going to be so fun”, “you will have so many friends”, “we know you’re going to be very brave’, as well as, “you are a big kid now”. While phrases like this are offered with love, they can land differently for our children. They can be perceived as though if they have feelings of fear, sadness, anxiousness, etc, that they are somehow not meeting the “expectations” they may feel we have of them.
Instead, I offer this to try. Print off a photo of your children with their parent(s)/care-giver and choose a spot in their backpack together to place the photo. As you are doing this together, talk to them about how you understand that they may feel sad when they say good-bye to you at school or at the bus and that they might even want to cry. Offer to them that crying is an understandable way to express their feelings. Share that you will miss them, too, because you love them so much and that you might cry too. Then, remind them that you will see each other again each day when school is done. To some, this may feel like we are setting them up for bigger emotions than they would have otherwise. I would suggest that what we are actually doing is validating the many emotions they will experience and honouring the need for those emotions to be expressed and processed; better out than held inwards.
So, you get them dropped off at school or onto the bus, the day has gone by and its time to pick them up. It has been a long day and you are excited to see them. You know they missed you and might have even resisted parting ways with you in the morning. So, why does the reunification often come with a lot of tender emotions as well? Have you ever heard of the term, “containment release”? This refers to meltdowns or very big emotions that can come up right after school. It is completed developmentally appropriate and happens quite often. Your little human has just spent an entire day away from the people they feel most connected to and trust the most. They have had to try to understand new routines, expectations, new peer groups and new adults in charge of their care. That is a lot for any human to navigate; much more so for a child three to five years of age.
You are the person who they trust the most with those deeply tender emotions so I would challenge you to see their unloading of these feelings onto you after school as a compliment. It does not mean it isn’t hard to stay regulated yourself when your child is expressing these emotions, but lending your calm to them can support the storm so it passes quicker. Show up to meet the mat the school or bus stop with a small snack, a lot of hugs, an offer to carry their back-pack and maybe at times, them. Offer them your full attention and your calm. Think about embedding a quiet, restful time for them with you before moving on to the next activities or obligations of that day. Show your child through your own actions and energy that they can count on you to carry the weight of what a long day away from you feels like.
This is a big change in life for all involved and I know you can manage it with love, calm and patience; for your children and for yourselves. Be proud of the remarkable humans you are raising and be proud of yourselves!
Wishing all of you a wonderful start to the school year.